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Friday, October 31, 2014

Happy All Hallow's Eve

Skin on skin

Lord death come sit with me
But a moment
Tug on my soul strings
In that way only you can
Oh yes I know
Your touch
The feel of skin
On skin that only
You can bring
To this mortal coil
You bring much to the table
Sit with me a moment lord death
Feel the flutter of my
Finite breath
It will only be a moment
Of that you can assure me

Chris McQueeney    10/31/14

Happy Halloween all! this is on of my favorite days of the year. My birthday is in October so all through growing up this day would be my second birthday. Tonight I am going trick or treating with my children...Their mother did a good job finding costumes for them, my son will be a zombie pirate, and my daughter will be the My Little Pony Rainbow Dash...I am excited to be with them.  

Thursday, October 30, 2014

I find this a bit offensive

Candy bitch

Tricks and treats
Give me that fucking
Candy bitch
So I can have
Something good to eat
None of this
What do you have to say
Just give
It up
The fucking candy in
The fucking bag
No you can’t tell
What I am
Because I didn’t even try
I’m not that guy
All I’m saying
Is give me
The fucking candy
And shut the fuck up
All your friends think
you are a dick anyway
Happy fucking Halloween

Chris McQueeney

The day after the day before


I would live a thousand years
To die at your feet
I would crawl thousands of miles
Just to catch your last breath
All those miles
And minutes
Spent gladly in pursuit
Of you
What would you give to me
Would it be undying
Would you give up a minute
For me to waste
Would your breath be sweet
Would you breathe it harshly
Begrudging that little bit
Of air between us

Chris McQueeney    10/29/14

Guess I feel better today than I felt yesterday, and that is a good thing. I haven't done anything of note for the last few days on the account of being sick. I had some stomach thing going on because no coughing or snot just couldn't keep anything down. Had a huge dinner of spaghetti last night and it all stayed with me so I am thinking that the worst is over. Tomorrow is Halloween and I get to spend it with my kids...I didn't get to do that last  year and I am excited to get the time with them. It is amazing how much they have grown, and how much I love them.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

just keep plugging away

Wash away the hurt

I cry at times
Things seem so
Some days it
Is just so fucking hard
To breathe
To be
To see the other side
At times I cry
By myself
I don’t hide my tears
They just come
That way
It’s just so heavy
It just has to come out
At Times I cry
It is not a weakness
Rather a strength
To wash away the hurt

Chris McQueeney   10/19/14

Had a bit of a rough day today,,,nothing major just a bit rough. I haven't been able to hold any food down for days then yesterday got  some news from a friend that I really didn't want to hear. but life is like that at times it just takes a shit on your picnic. and I want to throw a tantrum but I am a bit nerve fried and the logical part of my noodle is in charge so, no hissy fits.

Real and True

I see things
At times I try to hide
That fact from the outside
I hear things
At times I try to hide
That fact from the outside
I live in a world
Where things are transitory
Not always real
Or true
How does one function
When life sends you messages
That just are not

Chris McQueeney    10/29/14

Tuesday, October 28, 2014


Long gilded road

Poets take the long
Road home
Gilded and golden
Potholes full of glass
Make the trek beautiful
But treacherous
Gilded is our road
Golden is our home

Chris McQueeney

just a thought

Bare indeed

I would give my soul to you
I would live ten lives for you
Living those ten lives would
Be a blessing or a curse. If
You werent there to share
Them with me to have to hold
I would give up my soul to you
And wander soulless for an eternity
On the off chance that you would
Share your soul with me
What good are lives and souls
Without lives and souls
To share them with
Bare indeed

Chris McQueeney 10\28\14

Monday, October 27, 2014

Feed the beasty

In the head

It’s a bitch
At times I am
Not right in the head
Those little gremlins
At times are fed  
From the wealth
Of things going
Sounds and sights
At times not right
And they feed
They feed on me
Leaving me feeling
It’s a bitch
At times
Like I said
we all know

At times

I’m not right

In the head

Chris mcqueeney

Chronic solvent encephalopathy is a degenerative neurologic disorder caused by exposure to toxic substances like organic solvents. Exposure to toxic substances can lead to a variety of symptoms, characterized by an altered mental status, memory loss, and visual problems. Toxic encephalopathy can be caused by various chemicals, some of which are commonly used in everyday life. Toxic encephalopathy can permanently damage the brain and currently, treatment is mainly just for the symptoms.
this was pulled From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia when I looked up the condition I was diagnosed with. When I found the diagnosis it was completely on accident...I was looking through some medical paperwork from Providence st Vincent and I saw the part where it talked of Diagnosis. Of the three Diagnosis's I knew what two of them was valid, Depressive disorder, one had no basis, acute alcohol withdrawal (I wasn't withdrawing on that particular visit) but the third struck my eye,  toxic encephalopathy. When I did a little reserch I found the missing link so to speak

Sunday, October 26, 2014

second of the day


Wild eyed we see
Inside the colored
As she dances
Too and fro
Marking her turns
Inside we burn for

Chris McQueeney    10/26/14

Why try to fix something broken with something broken

Ever Wanting

I’m too hard
On myself
Ever wanting there
To be perfection
But I’m broken
How could my twisted fingers produce
Anything near perfection
How could my shattered ears
Hear the love that is there
On display for all to see
Don’t let me go on about sight
For every word there is fight
Does that fit there or here
A lot of times we get to the fuckit mode
Fuck it it fits, let’s go with it
Am I too hard on myself
It’s easy enough to find out
Balls in your court
Your play you tell me the
mistakes of the day

Chris McQueeney    10/26/14

Why try to fix something broken with something that was broken in the first place,,,A lot of people don't understand the concept that a broken mind is broken for whatever the reason . it takes hard work on the one with the breakage to mend the broken pieces back together into some semblances of normalcy. and it takes a lot of understanding from everyone allowed. I go to family functions because I love them, but it is hard, What conversations do I have with them...why the sorry for missing the last family function I was having thoughts of harming myself or others and thought it would be more productive to be locked into a psychiatric unit for nine days...What did you all talk about, we talked about what the voices in the head were screaming, oh yeh are there any more fruit cups cause those fruit cups were good. People usually look away in disbelief discomfort or fear, and it feels punishing all over again. Mental illness isn't like a broken arm where you have a cast that people can sign and a six weeks back to a healthy arm...Mental recovery may take years. there may be backslides (not all breaks are as clear cut as others) and there may be miraculous turns for the better followed by just as devastating downsides.  I would ask as one that suffers from a brain injury be your self, treat me like a human and ask me questions and truly listen. I know that is a lot to ask for but what choice do I have...questions like How are you doing might or might not be the way to go, What can I do may be closer to the mark.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

First off luck is a blessing

Am I the lucky one
Am I the lucky one for sure
How do you know
First off three death

One when I was
 a wee little boy
the mountain so pristine
The slope so pure it,
Edge so soft to sled
Heavy drop to certain death
If but for a father’s  

Second we find fiends at work
Hurry up you jerk
It’s ready to go
Wont flag worth a shit
Heart attack awaits
Doing the flop hitting the fish
Bet that chick was really impressed
She quit a job and left school
Just to not see the reanimated corpus

  Third time was a beautiful day
Went to work my dreams sailed away
Jobsite nice check equipment check
Gust of air lungs coated blood smeared
Truck rides to the spittle, hos for short

Am I a lucky guy, no I would say blessed
Luck took a slice but blessed took the pie
Got my son here wining about his sister
Getting more time on the phone
I am the lucky one

Chris McQueeney  10/25/14

Friday, October 24, 2014


Just the other side of the bed

I get up each morning
And pull on my skin
It is the only one I got
But at times it’s thin
Don’t worry about it though
I come equipped
With warning labels
And an operator’s manual 
I get up in the morning
And pull on my skin
I cinch it real tight
Then I begin
To do the heavy lifting
Speak softly within
My sphere of influence
At night I roll up
My skin packed neatly
For the morning to come
A new day waiting
Just the other side of the bed

Chris McQueeney    10/24/14

I am in the three hour transit to get out to where my children live...The temperature is slightly chilly and wet but the transit centers have covered worries though I dressed for the occasion so I am plenty for now

What do you do

Broken spine

There’s this thing
Feels all jagged
And miles wide
Walk it’s edge
Just be careful
Lest you get cut
And in the cutting
You learn your
There’s this thing
Jagged as a
Broken spine
Gentle or not
If you feel you
Will get torn
Your edges open
For your feeling
Or pain
Depending on how you

Chris McQueeney  10/12/14

Good morning...not a lot to write about right now...other than the fact that I am going to be spending the night with my children tonight! can I hear a big hell yeah? Yup gonna be spending a couple o days with the little buggers and I am fricking stoked, So the thought of the day is What do you do when the only thing you want to do you cant? Good bye for now..................

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Two fer today...well fuck-a-diddily-D

Oops I did it again

Oh no
I said a bad word
Well fuck
Isn’t that a bitch
Oops I did it again
Ignore my expletives
They are just
Food coloring
For the sauce
Meant to spice up
The look
But from the faces
The look is
Spicy enough

Chris McQueeney    10/23/14    2:22  P

at the track

The path

Childlike we strive
to bring forth
the fury from inside
Racing the curves
of our desire's path
Tracing the corners
And raceway ahead
We find our goal
now that you know
where the checkered
flag is planted
will you drive the course
or will you off road it
I dont know about you
but I think the scenery
is better off the beaten path

Chris McQueeney 10/18/14

So I am writing from a slump. Today I feel like doing nothing at all but laying around the house. I wonder if writing gets easier on these slumps with practice, I have heard that it does, but everything feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. I feel like I am saying Oh well a bit to often for my liking, but, oh well I will survive. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Can’t you just

Give me five minutes
To just
Without the constant
Without the constant
Reminders of the past
Just five precious
To be at peace
One with loneness
Just five minutes I beg of you

Chris McQueeney  10/20/14

I had a horrid night of sleep. No dreams, but I woke up at least twenty times. Do you ever have hard times sleeping? What keeps you up at night? Oh well there will be other nights to sleep.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

I took a breath that day

I took a breath
And everything
Went away
All my hopes
And dreams
Everything I was shooting for
Just as simple as that
One breath destroyed
My entire fucking life
You’d think it would
Take more
Why does that strike me as odd
One split second
And everything is changed
I took a breath that day
The breath took me
And I went away

Chris McQueeney    10/20/14

Good morning out there. I don't have much time this morning to write but I am keeping to the writing every day. I may post something a bit later if the bug strikes me. Good day to you till then.

Monday, October 20, 2014

The mag 242

Do you miss me

Can you see
How your little boy
Has grown
You left me behind
When you went on
Your little journey
Mother mother can you see
How your going
Has left me
Did you know
You would see me breaking
Your monument and leaving only
Your moniker

Chris McQueeney 10/20/14

The poem was brought about from an image prompt By Tess over at The Mag please go check out what others have come up with from the prompt………

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Second of the day

In lieu of cash

Whatever happened to
Truth in advertising
You sold me a
Bill of goods
Sure don’t meet up to
This life
Looks nothing like
The picture on the label
And the table of contents
Is all wrong
I would say that I
Want my money back
But I’m sure you
Have already spent it
The least you can do
Is offer a change of venue
In lieu of cash

Chris McQueeney    10/19/14

Day thirty one

Through metal

I feel the fury
Striking me
Drum beat cymbles clash
Beating me down
To that place the
Words  unfurl
In their shallow graves
Bring on the noise
Overwhelm me
Funnel the words
 From their shallow homes
Through metal
Bleed light to sound and sight

Chris McQueeney 10/5/14

I set out to write every day of thirty and I have. I wrote on days that felt like the words flowed like water and I wrote on days where the wordverse was as clear  as mud. Yesterday I wrote about my last birthday, today I am writing about today. Today I start another thirty days of writing every day weather or not I want to. I have some hurdles in my life to overcome but if I approach them the same way I am approaching this writing I should be able to go through them.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Happy birthday


Bull shit
That is it
Bullshit doesn't come from
A cow
It comes from you
And me
Just let me be
You said
Come closer instead
Breathe in my scent
Even though it
Doesn't smell of
Masticated grass
The essence is still
None the less

Chris McQueeney    10/1/14

One year ago today I was strapped down to a table in St Vincent's hospital in Portland Oregon while they tried to save my life...I guess by that point I was in the ICU already, but I don't know, The day before I made the long journey from my home in Oregon City to the hospital via many buses and one max line, it took me seven hours to make it there and I was sober the whole time. 
I say I was sober and I was, about fourteen days. But I had an ace up my sleeve. I knew that I would never be honest with the doctors if I was completely sober when I showed up so along with my antique knife collection and my rocks I had two twenty five ounce hi gravity beers to lube up the wind pipes. After seven hours of navigating the buses and all the people I was ready to be done, literally done. I wanted to end my life
It didnt matter that my birthday was to be the next day, the thought of it never entered my mind, I was just done with all the pain the craziness, all the worry about everything, and the fighting. Done! But, there was one very small part of my mind that knew that my thinking wasn't rational. It, that one small part, was screaming at me what about the children. What will they do without you. how will they remember you they are so young they need you. those screams are what brought me to the hospital in the first place.
When I got to the hospital I made a b-line straight to the bathroom to drink those beers I had. I didn't want to get too buzzed. I just wanted enough liquor in me to be honest, just the lid from my thoughts taken off so I cracked the Camo first and chugged. That shit is nasty so after about half of it I opened the other can, Steels Private Reserve, and started drinking it instead, much better!
I drank only half the beer I brought with me and dumped out the other half, Thus fortified I went to the front desk and told them why I was there. I told them I wanted to harm myself and that I was having trouble keeping things together. They checked me in to the ER and had me change into a paper gown that left your ass hanging to the wind.
At first a nurse asked me questions then a doctor took over. When I told the doc about the beer his whole demeanor changed, as if to say, oh, just another of those drunks overreacting…I got mad and stated that I wasn’t drunk and if they weren’t going to take me seriously I would go to another hospital…the nurse told me to stay that they were going to do a blood tox and see what my alcohol blood level was…Point zero seven three and falling, that was how little alcohol I had in my blood stream. With a blood alcohol level low enough to safely drive they changed their behavior slightly.
          They admitted me to the psychiatric hospital on premises. They first had to place me in an isolated part of the hospital to be observed. They didn’t bother to medicate me or have me seen by a psychologist. They just left me alone to stew in all the crazy that brought me there. Eventually I slept only to wake to them bringing breakfast.
          October eighteenth twenty thirteen, my birthday, and I had no idea…they left me alone and the crazy got worse. It reached a peak and not even thinking about it I picked the bulky wood and metal rolling table up and threw it across the room, about ten or fifteen feet, against the wall. One part of my brain that was not profoundly insane kept thinking that table was very heavy, that table was very heavy. Then I calmly got back up onto the bed and sat there Indian style with my hands on my legs. The nurse came in pretty quick and asked what happned…I didn’t answer because I really had no idea what she was talking about nor did I understand why she was so upset.
          She had two security guards come to escort me somewhere (back to the ER) and I followed; the only thing I said to them was to keep their hands to themselves I would go willingly…one of the guards weighed about two twenty and the other was at least a three hundred pound black man. They escorted me to the crazy cell in the ER. Basically it was an empty room with a bed built into the floor all of one piece with strap holds so they could run straps to restrain unwilling patients.
          After a while, not sure how long, a doctor came to see me…”Mr McQueeney it seems that this isn’t working for you, this being hospitalized thing. We are going to release you, you won’t be staying at this hospital.”
          I started crying “Dr I can’t handle it anymore, if you make me leave I will walk in front of a car. I can’t handle it, can’t take it.”
          He shrugged his shoulder slightly and grimaced a bit, turned and walked out.
After a while longer someone slid my shoes in the room. At first I ignored them because I thought what the fuck am I going to do with a pair of shoes. Then I noticed that they still had their laces in, and that struck me as something amiss so I stepped over and picked them up. There was something funny about at least one of them.
 In one of the shoes was a bottle of pills. The same bottle all of my
 Psych meds were in when I checked into the hospital. There I was psychotically delusional, in a hospital wearing nothing but a paper gown with a pair of shoes no socks and a bottle of pills in my hand. I thought either they wanted me to hang myself with the shoe strings or they wanted me to take the pills. So I started taking the pills.
Two by two I consumed over one hundred pills without water. I had the bottle in my left hand and would slip two pills out and covertly place them in my mouth to be dry swallowed with my right hand. Over and over I did this while being videotaped by the camera that was just over my head in the cell like room. Two types of pills I consumed were Olanzapine and Tegratol. I can’t remember what the third was but the fourth was Prilosec. Two by two I ate my life away, and they didn’t stop me.
            After a while I started getting woozy and I figured that it was too late to save me. The nurse came in to check up on me. She was hot, a ten, and was actually nice to me. I felt guilty. I was dying and she was being nice, plus she was fucking smoking hot, so I told her I had eaten the pills. Then I passed out.
The next thing I remember was coming to with people all around me and freaking the fuck out…at one point there were seven people restraining me because I had undone all the restraints but one. I almost kicked that hot nurse in the face but she dodged it all matrix style…kinda amazing if I hadn’t seen it I wouldn’t believe how she did that.
They finally got all the restraints back on…
So that is how I spent my last birthday, almost dying, screaming for my family, being done with life, and being totally terrified. I remember that feeling so clear, the overwhelming need to have it all end, and the pain. Because it is painful, suicide, it hurts so much inside it is worse than any bodily pain…

Happy fucking birthday right…Right, looking back I got one of the best birthday present I have ever gotten. The doctors were able through testing to diagnose my actual condition. I have a condition called Toxic encephalopathy The recovery I was failing to get was due to that…having that diagnosis had lead me to start having a productive life…Through medication, sobriety and regular therapy I am having a chance at a productive life. I might have gone on longer with that overwhelming fear, terror, without having this happen.

So the day that almost ended my life has afforded me a life to live on with.

Chris McQueeney  10/18/14

Friday, October 17, 2014

what the hell

For you were away

Once upon a day
I sat with you
Then drifted away
You were lovely
In green
Been lovely in every
Forever you’ll be
Too good for me
Once upon a day
I sat with you
Then you slipped aside
Turning and turning
I looked for you
I tried to find
But could spy no trace
For you were

Chris McQueeney   10/12/14

Day three if This cold and I am thinking that its a good ting I have the day off. no major thoughts coming from this guy today.............................

Thursday, October 16, 2014


An empty husk

I’m hallow
Cored out like
An apple in the
Autumn of its life
All my bits and pieces
Soul flesh stripped
What is left is after
Raw and sore
An empty husk
Is skin and seed
Want and need
Unfilled out
I’m hollow

Chris mcQueeney 

I got a frigging cold! I feel like crap, but am still plugging away. What do you do when you get sick...What are your rituals?

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Got cold

 Awe them

If you can’t
Awe them with
Baffle them
With bull
At least that’s the
There’s a thin line
Fact and fiction
And when you’re walking
That razor’s edge
Your field of vision narrows
And one must
Tread lightly
So as to not cut your souls
Walk if you must
But remember
Bull shit out weighs
And smells a lot

Chris McQueeney    10/14/14

I guess it would be a good morning if I didn't have a cold. Oh, well I'll live. How are you today? Do you have anything interesting on your plate for the day? 

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Do you

Pomp and circumstance

Welcome to my
Things are confusing
In here
The rules change
On a daily basis
Basis for indiscriminate
Floggings are at noon
Welcome to the show
Hope you like the
The heart of Rome is the
The heart of the empire
Is Spectacle
Pomp and circumstance

Chris McQueeney 10/13/14

Could you find it in yourself to forgive the biggest transgression anyone has ever perpetrated on you? Do you have the ability to walk away from hurt and towards forgiveness...I dont know if I have that in me, and I have no idea where this question came from but think on it for a moment........

Monday, October 13, 2014

Welcome monday

Was her's alone

With tears in her
And smiles on their faces
Something in her mind
Told her the way would be long
With their jeers in her
And malicious grins on their
She knew that long trip
Was her’s alone
If any followed
Forever she would swallow
Their fears
All the tears
The words blunt chains
Forcing her to remain
Forever trapped in their eyes

Chris McQueeney    10/11/14

Welcome to my daily check in...Tried to sleep in today but the world would hear none of it so I just lay there as if sleeping. I feel pretty good today which is not an everyday occurrence. I had an awesome weekend. First off I spent the night with my children and then spent all day Saturday with them. I am grateful to get the opportunity to spend even a little bit of time with my son and daughter. this time last year I was forced to not have anything to do with them, things have changed. Then yesterday I had a date with an awesome woman. We went to a movie and had good conversation. All in all a very good weekend. Welcome Monday and if you have read to here welcome again to you! 

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Of the wind

They were of the wind,
 Those changelings
You wouldn’t know
Till the time to die was upon
You which was which
We are dying as a species
One by one we are dying
And changing
The spark is dying in our eyes
The stockpile is absolute
What good does having
More than one gun at any time
When you are fighting
One on one hand to the wind
Gun in the air waving
Lead brings weight to the wind
Dragging it down to earth
Where the true battle can begin
Humanity will prevail
but how human will we be

Chris McQueeney 10/12/14  11:05 A.M.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Ice cream truck for good measure

Has fled

The magic has fled the
It saw the crowd
Decided to skip town
And slipped out the
No one knew
What door the magic
Went through
But could feel it all
The same
There were quite a few
A few even went so far as to
Throw things
The small minority dropped it all
And shed a few tears
The stage is empty
It’s all gone
If you think about it you will
Realize it was gone all along

Chris McQueeney    10/11/14

I am sitting hear at my x-wife's place with my children...but that gives me no excuse to not write. In fact it gives me more reason to put pen to paper so to speak. I have two children, whose pictures are at the bottom of my blog. Those two little people mean more to me than anything else in the world, literally, more than anything. The better part of a year that I was forced to be separate was amongst the worst times in my life...up there with when we lost my father. When I was allowed the privilege to be back in their life I imagined hours and hours of fun and playing. I was not wrong, there is much playing, but very little of it has to do with me other than the fact of my prescience. I don't have to be exciting, I just have to be here...that is part of being a parent, just being there. In the long run they will remember me being there most of all. It doesn't hurt if there is an icecream truck thrown in there for good measure..............