Woke up and realized
All the flat
Filled with all
Paper filled trays
And numbers from
Pain filled days
Chris McQueeney 4/14/13 12:00 A.M.
It's been awhile...at times life can be a heavy burden to bear, other times it can be amazing. The last while has been heaver then I have ever had to carry. From the time of my injury at work until now has been fairly dark. The problem was that I didn't know how to express my needs to the right people. Never before in my life had I experienced true depression, and I have had a eventful life.
The injury left me in a position where I could no longer use the trade I have mastered to support myself. At the same time I have suffered from the physical trauma and all that it entails. For six months I had to survive on something like 600 a month...were I able to work I would make a good amount more than that a week.
After a daily battle with the fear and pain and despair and anger I reached a point that I told my Dr that I needed some help...but I didn't have the skills necessary to tell her how bad it actually was so she did not take me seriously. By December I was in a place where I had two choices, either kill myself, or drink...I drank.
I drank a lot...more then my body could handle. I do not regret it at all, I am alive. One month ago today I started the journey to put down the drink, and was given what I needed to tell the people in my life that I needed to quit drinking again, but I needed help because the detox process could kill me, and that once the shielding effect of the gin was gone the rage and despair would be waiting to take back its place chewing up my soul...chewing on me until I couldn't handle it anymore forcing me to let go.
To my friends in the blogging world and the real world this doesn't come close to giving a full accounting of my life for the last nine months but it is what I can give you for now.
The other day I asked the mother of my children when Easter was, and she told me that it had already happened. Where was I? Probably on a plastic bed seeing things that were not there going through the DT's. For those of you who do not know what those are go here. My hope is that you never have to go through anything like them, I have and I can say it is not cool to see little things crawling on the floor that look like they were cloaked in the partial invisible shield that the Predator used to get its prey... especially not when feeling like shit.
Chris McQueeney 4/14/13 5:41 P.M.