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Sunday, April 14, 2013

Here I am




One Day

One day the man
Woke up and realized
All the flat
Places
Filled with all
The flat
Faces
Were just
Paper filled trays
With words
And numbers from
Pain filled days


Chris McQueeney    4/14/13    12:00 A.M.


    It's been awhile...at times life can be a heavy burden to bear, other times it can be amazing. The last while has been heaver then I have ever had to carry. From the time of my injury at work until now has been fairly dark. The problem was that I didn't know how to express my needs to the right people. Never before in my life had I experienced true depression, and I have had a eventful life.
    The injury left me in a position where I could no longer use the trade I have mastered to support myself. At the same time I have suffered from the physical trauma and all that it entails. For six months I had to survive on something like 600 a month...were I able to work I would make a good amount more than that a week. 
    After a daily battle with the fear and pain and despair and anger I reached a point that I told my Dr that I needed some help...but I didn't have the skills necessary to tell her how bad it actually was so she did not take me seriously. By December I was in a place where I had two choices, either kill myself, or drink...I drank.
    I drank a lot...more then my body could handle. I do not regret it at all, I am alive. One month ago today I started the journey to put down the drink, and was given what I needed to tell  the people in my life that I needed to quit drinking again, but I needed help because the detox process could kill me, and that once the shielding effect of the gin was gone the rage and despair would be waiting to take back its place chewing up my soul...chewing on me until I couldn't handle it anymore forcing me to let go.
    To my friends in the blogging world and the real world this doesn't come close to giving a full accounting of my life for the last nine months but it is what I can give you for now. 
    The other day I asked the mother of my children when Easter was, and she told me that it had already happened. Where was I? Probably on a plastic bed seeing things that were not there going through the DT's. For those of you who do not know what those are go here. My hope is that you never have to go through anything like them, I have and I can say it is not cool to see little things crawling on the floor that look like they were cloaked in the partial invisible shield that the Predator used to get its prey... especially not when feeling like shit.

Chris McQueeney    4/14/13    5:41 P.M. 
    

10 comments:

christopher said...

Step one... Step two... Keep trudging...

Brian Miller said...

i am glad that you have come out the other side of it friend...you have had a tough row this year...i hope it only gets better and better from here. work it man.

kj said...

Chris, you know I care about you. I feel for you. But be careful excuses don't seep in because I read excuses in some of your words here. You can't drink. Your kids need you . There will always be reasons. You can't drink

AA everyday, a sponsor, what ever it takes. Heck Chris, this poem shows how incredibly talented you are. You put words together like a master.

I hope you never have another drink in your whole life.

Love ♥
kj

kj said...

chris, where are you?

xo

Wine and Words said...

I'm gonna give you a hug :)

You are brave, transparent, and open. It's all going to fall into place. I feel it :)

Dionne said...

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through. I did notice you weren't here and hoped you were okay. Keep going day-by-day and you'll get there. If you ever need to talk, message me. I hope you're through the worst of it. Love the poem at the start by the way.

Dionne said...

Love the poem at the beginning. Sorry to hear you've been struggling. I hope you're through the worst of it. If you ever need anyone to talk to, message me. I did notice you weren't there but I figured you needed a break from social media as some people do. Take it day-by-day and you'll keep going.

Titanium said...

It's really difficult to wrangle any words into a sentence, in respect to the dangerous waters you're navigating.

Just know that you're not alone. That you are heard.

Sending peace and light,

Ti

csalex@me.com said...

Chris, my own selfish perspective has kept me from tracking down what's going go with you. I'm reading this now and realizing this was months ago... Are you sober again? I am not, and haven't been for two years, and I tend to shy from my brothers and sisters trying to make it clean. It's not an excuse, just an explanation. Know that I love you, My Brother. You have a gift for sharing YOUR truths, and in the sharing, somehow you leave the rest of us feeling understood. You are a powerful and unique voice of Universal Truth.
Christian Alexander

csalex@me.com said...

Chris, my own selfish perspective has kept me from tracking down what's going go with you. I'm reading this now and realizing this was months ago... Are you sober again? I am not, and haven't been for two years, and I tend to shy from my brothers and sisters trying to make it clean. It's not an excuse, just an explanation. Know that I love you, My Brother. You have a gift for sharing YOUR truths, and in the sharing, somehow you leave the rest of us feeling understood. You are a powerful and unique voice of Universal Truth.
Christian Alexander