Blah Blah Blah

I'm not here right now, leave your name and number after the beep.......

Monday, January 13, 2014

Maybe so..........

Think you that we 
live in a bohemian rhapsody?
As if your Pepsi is absinthe
and grapes from a cluster 
you pluck with your mouth
instead raisonetts 
from a box pour out
like slime covered snot
flavored past modernality
the desiccated husk
a once vital necessity
this bohemian
post gen-X
American society
You consume
With grace and ease
Having never had to pay
or work a true full day
to fill your life
or stomach
Welfare society
So you say
Tiz not so
Or fair
So I say

Christopher McQueeney    1/13/2014    10:55  P.M.

      Just treading water here...had a good experience this morning. As I made the nine mile walk into town, five miles into the walk, a man stopped in response to my upraised thumb...hell yeah, humanity has been absolved some of it's horrors for a day at least;-). The driver's name is Andy. Andy drove me the rest of the way and saved me the worst part of the journey. Not only that, he was also a good travel companion, talkative, and friendly, not creepy or awkward at all. Thank you Andy! 
      Also, I am being treated for the damage caused by the chemical exposure sixteen months ago. Got the first real results from medication and it is amazing...I have not gone into full detail about the symptoms but the first med is resolving about sixty percent of the "crazy" and seems to do so with no side effects. This week, either today or tomorrow we will be getting the rest of the meds started. Finally I will be able to let go of the alcohol and self medicating without having no safety net to fall into. Having got the chance to talk to a mental health intake specialist and my new therapist about my decision to self medicate, and all of the fallout from it, it was clear that they actually listened to me. I was firmly instructed that until the meds were in place and we had a medical detox available I was to keep my self medication regimen going, while continuing to work at limiting my intake to what was necessary to keep as safe and as sound as is possible. What has gone wrong in large part has been me trying to sober up without having meds to deal with the brain damage. All of the outbursts, kids being taken, hospital ejections and jail trips have happened either while sober or detoxing. 
     The intake specialist pointed out that my condition presented unusually because the norm would be for these issues to have started in my teens or early twenty's, and to not have a clear start date. Wit documentation I have a start date of july 17 2012...That morning I was feeling good and had never had a more positive outlook in front of me. by the same time the next day I was screaming at the woman from S.A.I.F. that she was trying to ruin my life and feeling truly like I had to end my life for the first time. Until this last week I have had all of those same shitstorm destructive feelings on every day that I was not numbed by alcohol or other self meds...My plan worked, I am alive. I knew the fallout that would happen but decided to stay alive no matter what the cost until a dr could find a better healthier life plan...If you don't believe me that is fine, you don't have to believe in my truths to live your lives, as is your prerogative. If you would like I can say that I have begged for over a year for a way to live (well before I started drinking, and while compleatley chemical free) and was met with no functional answers. After learning that alcohol stopped the compulsion to kill myself and the other self "meds" stopped in large part the hallucinations I decided that I would "use" to stay alive. It was a hard decision to come to because it went against everything that I had worked so hard for with my sponsor and AA; But two aborted attempts to kill myself having only been derailed because in defeat I chose to drink before killing myself (the idea was to get drunk and then kill myself).
     I guess that God has a twisted since of humor, and justice...Me a recovering alcoholic having to drink to live, and me a recovering alcoholic with very firm beliefs being educated by God that my beliefs were in large part grounded in my personal experiences while not taking in to account that in gods world their are exceptions to every situation and that it wasn't my place to judge when those exceptions apply...I haven't done all this with grace, but I did it with the grace of that god that I asked so often over the last year and a half, "What do I do god?" and "why God, why do I have to hurt so much. Why do I have to walk in the desert when I know there are blue skies and green grass just over there?" Melodramatic I know, but real none the less...
    I still don't know why. Maybe it was just the price I had to pay to survive that day I should have died, maybe so.

Chris McQueeney

1 comment:

Brian Miller said...

ugh...yeah the mentality that everything is all right...does not sell well...its a scary world...

glad andy gave you a lift...ugh on the aborted attempts to kill yourself man..i am sorry for all you have been through...brutal