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I'm not here right now, leave your name and number after the beep.......

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Looking forward


     I came to with my foot in the fire...the fire was out and the cold was what woke me. I had spent the previous night under the bridge on Washington street in Oregon city. I am glad today that I woke when I did because if I hadn't i would have frozen to death; merry Christmas.
    That was my intro to Christmas morning 2013. I woke starving and in need of a drink or something to take the edge off the insanity in my head. you see I came by my place under the bridge through a series of unfortunate events that started the day after almost  dying on the job. For the longest time I put the blame on the injury itself...while partially true it doesn't cover enough ground.
    The day after My injury, which was a massive exposure to chemical toxins and caustics, I found myself screaming at the insurance adjuster. I was swearing at her at the top of my lungs."You are going to ruin my life, what the fuck is wrong with you people I have two children and i cant afford you fucking my life up."
   What I didn't know at the time was that I had suffered brain damage from the chemicals I had inhaled. Toxic encephalopathy was causing my erratic behavior. But being a man and a fearful one at that I didn't tell anyone all of what was going on until months after my injury.
    It took 16 months of progressively sliding into insanity, all of the safeguards that I had established had by then eroded away, for the dr's at the hospital that I again almost died at to finally diagnose what was going on. The whole time it appeared that I was just an alcoholic going through the consequences of late stage alcoholism; but that aspect is a whole story on its own, needless to say for now I did what I had to do to stay alive. 
    I am now looking at a life that has the opportunity of healing. Through a whole lot of hard work on my part, the understanding of the people in my life and the grace of a god that I don't understand I have the opportunity to live again.
    I was lucky, on most days I am ok, others may not be as lucky...mental illness probably destroys more lives than we give it credit for. It is real, and they probably have no choice in the matter.

Heavy Enough

Love is a mountain
Heavy as can be
Lofty enough
to lift one up
Wider than
One could ever need
Love is a mountain
high enough 
to lift one up
Wide enough 
To cover you up
Heavy enough
To crush me

Christopher McQueeney    4/29/14    9:18 A.M.


Brian Miller said...

mental illness is hard man...i take it they can help you manage it?

Wander said...

Yes, Brian thank God stability is a wonderful thing(as stable as one can be after a TBI) and hard fought for