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Friday, March 2, 2012

Kicking the Pouch

I watch him pick up something shiny, maybe a coin. Lucky bastard! It’s been at least two days, at least, since I found that partial pouch. I started off the same way he did, Chiclets! Things were good in those days. I even had ten or fifteen Chiclets dispensers around the city, and on the Upper East Side I had the wealthy buying chicks in bulk, scoops at a time! No twists for them, or me.
The summer of 99’, that was the fucking year for me! I had upped my distribution by forty percent. My wealthy customers were handing coin over like it was burning their hands. I even had a contract to be the sole supplier for Jones Mart. I  was forced to get a bigger tub to carry my supply from drop to drop. That was my summer, and my city, Caledonia Oh.
By the end of 99’ the ball was in my court and I was sinking shots left and right. I thought I was ready, ready to move up to the big leagues. Big League Chew had just hit the scene. That first time I tried it was amazing. No crunchy shell to deal with, and being in a foil sealed bag never again did I have to worry about its age…smooth and soft every time.
That was twelve years ago. My rise was meteoric, the fall was titanic! I thought because I had been swimming in Chiclets that the Big League would be no challenge. Fifteen pouches a day, yes fifteen, was where I topped out. I started losing track of my deliveries, and my client base started dwindling. The pull of the Big League was strong. Even my wealthy clients couldn’t keep up. Jones Market pulled out and I was done, I just didn’t know it. On Friday I picked up a fat delivery, by Monday it was gone and I needed to re-up. But my supplier didn’t answer my calls, or my pages.
My personal stash held out for three weeks. Like I said that was twelve years ago, and I haven’t even been able to pick myself up yet. He must think it’s hard to make it back from being a twist…hoapfully he'll never have to experience getting out of the pouch. Lucky bastard!

Caledonia   Harold   Press  3/2/12        

Man found dead in Jones Mart
By Jim Seltsman
At five thirty am this morning local man Tobias
Laufner was found dead inside the fifteenth
street Jones Mart. Our sources in the police
department are claiming that Laufner was
surrounded by empty pouches of original
flavor Big League Chew. Laufner has apparently
succumbed to a long time battle with the pouch.
His family has declined to comment.

Under cover surveillance photo of black market Big League sales

*The above story and newspaper article are works of fiction. Any resemblance to actual people or places is coincidental*
Photo courtesy of Bing images

By Chris McQueeney  3/2/12    11:13 PM

This piece was penned in response to a post by a very talented and entertaining author by the name of Ben Ditty. Here is a link to his post on Nice Old Spice  enjoy!


christopher said...


Ben Ditty said...

Caledonia has a Newspaper? :D

Brilliant response!

Brian Miller said...

haha you are a trip...that stuff was good though...battle with the pouch though cracked me up

Wander said...

thanks guys!

Lydia said...

This is so damn creative!!!

Wine and Words said...

What's with all the Chiclet posts???? I feel like I missed the parade!

Nice work though!!!

Anonymous said...

was he also battling with the paunch?

Wander said...

Prior to his battle with the pouch, he had a paunch...but the pouch took over, he didn't even bath regularly...what is extra gross is that he looked fat but under his cloths was twice chewed gum!!

Felt Tip Fountain Pen said...

Ha! Gave me a big league chuckle!