One day I heard myself let go
And from that hear
I will forever live
I sat at the park that day so full of fear. The weather was fine, but the grass was damp. Across the picnic table from me was a man I very much admired, and I was telling him all of my faults and flaws and failings. Lighting up the dark recesses of my thinking and living.
There is this moment before the first drink that to some is called the jumping off place. It is that moment where the drug is calling to you like a lost child in the woods, “I’m here…over here.” While at the same time a quiet part of the mind is wailing “for the love of god don’t, the child will kill you.” Glass in hand the argument is almost always won by the child; the drink is consumed, along with a part of your soul. That internal battle can seem to take millennia as all life tilts on its axis…then fuck it and leap.
I sat across from that man. I had told him of my anger. I exposed my hurt. I offered to him my guilt. And I stood on that jumping off place, for in my mind, positioned in its throne that rested firmly on my soul sat my shame. The same struggle ensued in my mind as if I was about to take a drink. Only this time the boy was shouting “Please no, if he hears he will never look you in the eye again, will revile and shun you”. This time the quiet voice stayed silent, for I think it had been offered the only answer, and from my mouth I heard myself utter my shame for the man and god to hear.
I sat on that picnic table in terror of what would happen. He looked at me as if he couldn’t believe I had just told him that. And I was given a gift I can never repay; his response to me was “that was not something I ever did, but if the right circumstance had presented itself I would have.”
Thank You Man
Chris Mcqueeney 6/12/12
this post has been linked to the open link night over at dVerse Poets