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Saturday, June 11, 2011

walk


So I found myself writing a bunch of meaningless crap tonight because I had a hard day and am confused about what to do. That is something I am skilled at, filling up the air with crap so that I don’t have to actually and honestly look at things that hurt. A friend of mine said one time that he had a “rainbow belt in bullshittsu” this has always stuck with me; it has been the belt that kept my pants from falling down and baring my ass. While I was writing the meaningless crap earlier it had a hard time coming out. Although I want people to like what I write I don’t need that as much as I need it to not be bullshit to me.
I feel that I need this writing thing, like I need air or food, I don’t want to get in the habit of wasting it. Back to the bullshit, no, the reason for the bullshit, I am hurting, my arm is being amputated while I watch. I’m seeing my writing hand disappear and trying to see life as it will be without it. Of course I am speaking figuratively but that is how it feels; knowing that I don’t have the ability to see in that way leaves me in a position that I have to rely on something other than myself.  Here goes, God I don’t know what to do, I can’t do this on my own so I’m asking you to carry me when I can’t walk, to help me sit and be still when I feel I need to run, and help me be kind and gentle when I feel angry and mean.

2 comments:

christopher said...

And I honor the honesty and the truth in this and so I am Witness before the God of your understanding in every way given to me, that your prayer may be heard and acknowledged.

Indigo said...

Heartfelt sweet friend. It's far harder to be honest with oneself than anyone else. Thank you for this. - Indy