So I found myself writing a bunch of meaningless crap tonight because I had a hard day and am confused about what to do. That is something I am skilled at, filling up the air with crap so that I don’t have to actually and honestly look at things that hurt. A friend of mine said one time that he had a “rainbow belt in bullshittsu” this has always stuck with me; it has been the belt that kept my pants from falling down and baring my ass. While I was writing the meaningless crap earlier it had a hard time coming out. Although I want people to like what I write I don’t need that as much as I need it to not be bullshit to me.
I feel that I need this writing thing, like I need air or food, I don’t want to get in the habit of wasting it. Back to the bullshit, no, the reason for the bullshit, I am hurting, my arm is being amputated while I watch. I’m seeing my writing hand disappear and trying to see life as it will be without it. Of course I am speaking figuratively but that is how it feels; knowing that I don’t have the ability to see in that way leaves me in a position that I have to rely on something other than myself. Here goes, God I don’t know what to do, I can’t do this on my own so I’m asking you to carry me when I can’t walk, to help me sit and be still when I feel I need to run, and help me be kind and gentle when I feel angry and mean.