June 28th 2012 Caledonia Harold Times morning press
13 dead found over 3 day period
By Devon Gunderson
An alarming number of mutilated bodies have started showing up on the south side of town. The police are baffled, and citizens hide in their homes! Starting Thursday with the discovery of Braden Sanderson’s corps the rash of dead has piled up at a sickening rate. At last count 13 are dead. The mayor has issued an 8 o’clock curfew to begin today. “We need to remain calm. The perpetrators will be found, and justice will be done! But you must let the police deal with this. Anyone caught out after the curfew will be arrested; also anyone forming vigilante gangs to find the killers will be subject to sever criminal charges.” Mayor Thomas also stationed check points on all roads into town. Below is a graphic image for adult eyes only, the thirteenth victim Samantha Tidwell. Samantha was found in the garden pond behind her home.
I’d seen this before…the dead. It all starts with one, one poor soul unlucky enough to find a full can of soda. Who wouldn’t keep and open a full can? They know this, and count on the greed free pop creates in those who have too much as it is.
Thursday evening after the police left I searched his back yard, and the shed. The poor bastard, from what I heard they started with his eyes. Yup, if I’m correct (usually am) it was a whole can of sprite Braden found. Well, that was what he thought he found. What was actually in that can (I am pretty sure) was a plague of sprites. Sprites like to start with the eyes, and for some reason they also like the web of skin between the toes.
All the signs were there. The scat was thick. Fresh out of the can sprites have been cooped up in so small a space they cannot relieve themselves. Disgusting as it may seem it makes sense to start crapping as soon as the lid pops open. And they are hungry, very hungry. They fight each other to get to the meat. Yeah, that is what they call humans, the meat.
After finding what I was to be up against I put together my package. Those winged vermin although vicious are predictable. First I put the Ax bomb in the bag…something about Ax body spray gets those little fuckers salivating. Next is a rasher of freshly cooked bacon, not for them, are you kidding me that’s for me. Taking out sprites always gets me a serious hunger going on. We got some weapons in here as well, yes we surely do. Got me a bat with barbed wire wrapped around the end, one can of lighter fluid, and the best for last…gloves with sticky palms, I’ll use those for sure.
Now, nine hours later, the sun has set, and the axbomb primed and blown. Those little fuckers are all around me. I figured the back nine of the Whetstone Golf Club would be a good place to get it on. And it is…
Out the corner of my eye (unlike others I wear eye protection) I spot four or five sprites winging at me in formation. I clutch up on the shaft and let um have it! The whistle of the air as it is forced through the barbed wire, the spat of full contact, and the squealing scream of a partial hit are all symphonic to me. Four of the five are dead. The fifth lies on top of my boot. As it comes to it realizes where it is and attempts to chew its way through the leather to get at the webbing between my toes. Soooo not going to happen, I think as I smash the little bugger with my other boot (I wear steel toed boots, I’m not stupid like thirteen others I could name)
Dropping the bat I pull out my gloves and turn a three sixty to locate the next likely bunch. I put special glue on the palms, kinda like the sticky patch on post it notes. There, just to my left. They think they are being sneaky but I got em, three squirming sprites in my hand. Now I can catch the rest of the sprites attention. They gather around me as I shake my prisoners and scream. Just to add insult to injury I start biting body parts off of the captured sprites. They have a salty sweet taste a bit like kettle corn and emu mixed together.
The surviving sprites freak out and try to swarm me. That is when the secret weapon comes out. Having dealt with sprites before, I know their weaknesses. One of the sprites weakness being the attraction to ax body spray; the other and more important weakness is their inability to handle loud ignorant noises. For tonight’s performance I chose a fine piece by the master of ignorant Billy Ray Cyrus…
“BUT DON’T TELL MY HEART, MY ACHY BREAKY HEART I JUST DON’T THINK IT’D UNDERSTAND” came blaring out of the carefully hidden boom box. Screaming as a one the whole plague of sprites fell to the ground around me. Here is where the bacon comes in to play. After dousing sprites in lighter fluid and lighting them on fire I am always hungry.
Munching on bacon I wonder if this run of good luck will continue…what are the odds that every new place I move to will have issues like this?
One can only hope!
Chris McQueeney 7/1/12 12:07 P.M.
This is a work of fiction
Any resemblance to actual people
Is a freaky coincidence and shouldn’t bother you at all
Actually you should feel honored
I mean really, how cool would that be!