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Monday, May 2, 2011


This is an essay I wrote for my wr-122 class. If I had my way ( and I will some day) it would be at least five or ten pages long. I was only allowed five hundred words. Having said that, this was fun, I mean really fun.
May 1, 2011
                I sit on my back porch in fear for my life. Fear consumes my every waking moment! You might ask what has me so fearful; you might ask, but you probably would not believe me. My days and nights are consumed with a dread so intense that it is hard to function. I go through my days acting as if everything is normal that the world isn’t overwhelmed with an evil so pervasive, so deceptive that the fabric of our, yes our lives could be consumed in an instant. Roaming my backyard this very instant is the source of my fear. A beast so mind numbingly evil that most hold them close to their hearts, deceived as to their true nature. I speak to you with anonymity for fear that they will find out that I know their true nature. Contrary to popular belief rabbits are pure evil. I did say you probably wouldn’t believe me.
                Let’s start with their appearance. At first glance the average rabbit is a fluffy ball of cuteness, but upon closer inspection the telltale signs of evil are apparent to the educated eye; the signs are many, but for now we will focus on three of these. First, the claws, if you were to shave the fur from around the paw you would see sharp hooked daggers better suited for disemboweling than digging. Next we observe the teeth, curved to better hold onto unwilling flesh, and sharp enough to cut through the toughest skin. Finally we come to the eyes, the portals to the rabbit’s truly evil soul, balefully pinkish red they glow with hatred for everything live.
                Having covered their deceptive appearance we move on to the rabbits habits. Only six months after birth the rabbit starts to fornicate. With only one breeding pair the coven can grow to eight hundred in nine months. Imagine that, eight hundred blood thirsty rabbits in the time it takes to carry a human baby! If rabbits had innocent intent they would live above ground, instead they live in darkened holes, holes that are constantly growing to provide space for their legions of progeny.
                Have you ever wondered why it is that on Easter so much focus is shined upon the bunny? Some would clame it is because of the children, to keep them occupied and excited for Jesus’s resurrection, this is not so. The bunny is associated with the death of Christ. Easter is only a thinly veiled form of fear worship and supplication, with offerings of decorated eggs and candy our forefathers hoped to avoid the apocalypse the bunny represents. Christ had much reason not to stay in the mortal realm where the rabbit held so much power.
                 I hold my fear close, tightly wrapped up and hidden; the world will never know from my actions the terror inside. I lay my offerings of egg and candy with a smile, I laugh and act happy when others speak of the affection they hold for the rabbit; for I know what evil lurks inside the beast. You have been warned! Don’t ever try to find me, if you do you will lead them to me. I pray one day enough humans will know the danger, but that day is not today. You have been warned!


christopher said...

I am not so sure you mean well :D

Indigo said...

You might enjoy the movie Night of the Lupus. It's a campy B horror about giant rabbits ;P.

And yes, rabbits are vile, evil creatures. Notice vile and evil have the exact same letters. (Hugs)Indigo

kj said...

mr wander,

i am sure i can cure you for a reasonable price. but for now i will just tell you a few things to help you enjoy your yard.

what does fornicaKe mean? does it have anything to do with folding cake before you eat it?

if i had the kind of claws you describe i wouldn't be able to use the remote to change the tv channels. plus, maybe jellybeans change eye color? my eyes are very innocent except it's true they get puffy when i cry for more than 30 minutes, but i'll bet yours do too.

are you afraid of squirrels too? because my friend gregory squirrel might be available for a reasonable additional charge.


ps ms indigo! that is not nice but since we have just met i will pretend that your comment is a temporary mistake. maybe you meant to say 'smile' and wee-ful

Wander said...

Emily rabbit....I have your colored eggs and jelly beans, unlike some I hold to the ancient covenant.

As far as squirrel...its whats for supper;-)

She Writes Here Now said...

OMG I read this before :). I must have not opted to comment, but I thought it was great then and now. I know I did, because I totally recall reading this!