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Thursday, January 19, 2012

It's only

Its only

The day started out bad
Things went downhill
From there
One saving grace
Sanity held together by a sliver
The internal mantra
It’s only the drugs
I told myself
Freak on a leash playing
In the background
It’s only the drugs
As if it was true
And had some sort of power
It’s only the drugs

I’m not sure what year it was that this happened, but happen it did.
Walking out of the local Albertsons a couple months ago a man asked me for thirty three cents. His cloths were filthy and stank slightly. His hair was only hand combed, and also dirty. My first reaction was a slight sense of revulsion; I say slight and I mean that. I’ll explain, and with a hope this never has to happen to me again, at several points in time in my life I have been homeless. So when I say I was slightly revolted it was because of where I have been; not because the state he was in. To be asking for that specific amount of money meant only one thing.  He needed a drink.
I was about to tell him that there was a better way to live when I recognized him. We used to party together. Now don’t get me wrong he wasn’t a close friend of mine, more like a friend of a friend. But I think I drank and did drugs with him a couple of dozen times. I remember thinking that dude can put the drink and drugs away just like me. And like me he would burn hot then disappear for a while…normal behavior for people like us (the kind of person I used to be).
I have to tell you something about him, and this was the only reason I gave him the thirty three cents, also the reason I didn’t try to talk to him. He wouldn’t remember me, probably barely remembered his own name. About fourteen years ago some extremely strong drugs hit the streets, first meth, and then LSD. Being in the same circles we had access to the same supplier. Almost like mirrors we both got spun out, for about a month, and then the LSD showed up.
This shit was strong, the body high was amazing, and the visuals were fucking unbelievable. After about a week solid of tripping I was still in pretty good shape. Ok, I have to say that I thought I was doing pretty well; I weighed about one hundred and fifty pounds, and at six foot four I looked like the walking dead. So thinking I was the fucking LSD master with a mind like a steel trap I decided to take about four times what I had been taking, and to wait about a half hour and take as much again. That is the problem with drug addicts, insane shit makes perfect sense.
So I drop all of this acid and proceed about my day, I have very little memory of the day except for the culmination. Sitting in a Lazy boy chair and I was talking with a couple of friends, Will and Ben. Will was tweaking (on a large amount of meth) and Ben was tripping balls on shrooms. My memory kicks in and we were in the middle of a conversation about the different levels of consciousness brought about by different kinds of drugs. It is amazing looking back how deep some of the conversations on drugs are capable of being. Now I could go into the spiritual or metaphysical aspects of this but I won’t. One minute I am hip deep in intellect and the next I wasn’t even able to form a coherent thought! I could see the energy that was flowing between everything, in colorful particle streams…and I could feel the colors!
Even trying as hard as I can I can’t remember much more about that night, or much over the next three weeks. One thing I do remember was sitting on my front step and watching the grass grow and the street lamps drip light. This may sound strange but I think that the only thing that brought me back from the brink of permanent insanity was telling my-self almost constantly that IT’S ONLY THE DRUGS! Will came over every day to check on me. “Dude, are you still tripping man” he would ask, and I would say yes “but it’s only the drugs”. Than he would ask if I had taken anything else and I would say no, and we would smoke some pot and he would leave. He wanted to know if I was still taking more LSD. I wasn’t it just wouldn’t wear off!!
Of course eventually it wore off or I would be a drooling idiot with filthy hair, dirty cloths, sitting outside of the local Albertsons begging for thirty three cents for just one more beer. That would be all I was capable of.
Yeah I knew that man, I gave him the money, and I didn’t try to talk to him. I was lucky enough to come back, he wasn’t. Fourteen years later and he is still out there on the edge of reality where you can see the powers of the universe flow…a place where the human mind is too small to handle safely.

Chris McQueeney 1/18/12 12:39 PM this link takes you to a site that prompts three words a week to be used in a poem, short story, or flash fiction. On that site you will find links to other authors participating in 3ww.

Also the story is being submitted to Blue bell books short story slam Again if you want to support more authors please visit and read!


Marbles in My Pocket said...

I don't know if this is true testimony, or some outrageously good fiction writing, but due to the accuracy of it, I will assume it is testimony. I happen to know what you're talking about, you see. Been there, done that--not exactly--but so darn close it's uncanny. I'm glad you survived; I often wonder how I did. But for the grace of God, there go I.

Wander said...

I will not confirm nor deny your guess...but I will say that that would be a very hard way to live. I liked your story by the way I hope to get to the others today.

Quotes,Photos and a little Poetry said...

Either way, i think it's brave story to create or relive. Blessings that your m.c. will continue on the path he's on.

Writer's Daybook said...

This is a very thought provoking story. There are no guarantees and sometimes it is impossible to recognize where our choices will take us. You have expressed your thoughts well in this piece.

Taylor Boomer said...

amazing plot.

well done.

oldegg said...

It doesn't matter a toss whether it is true or not as it is still a salutary lesson to learned or ignored. The writing however was riveting.

Susie Clevenger said...

Whether true or not the lesson is profound...the fact that saying, "It's only the drugs" as a mantra to bring oneself back to sanity is powerful.

Wine and Words said...

I'm sad for him. Sad for me...for you in your back thereness. I'm glad you escaped that cycle. My son did some drugs for awhile and wrote some amazing stuff doing it. He said he was so much more creative. So I am interested in that part of the equation. How can we reach our full creative potential without chemical intervention? And on the flip side....what stops us while we're sober?

Sheilagh Lee said...

this is so sad.I'm glad you escaped that life I'm sorry that he did not.thank you for sharing thus with us.

Chris said...

Great story and powerful lesson "It is only drugs", how you two diverged shows the real lesson for everyone reading this. I hope more reads this story, too many have lost with drugs.

Wander said...

Annie, the creative juces do come back. The drugs may open channels preaviously blocked...those never close, they are still there you just have to learn a new language to translate from.

Wander said...

It is funny what opens thought chains within me. I looked at the short story prompt and the three word wed prompt and together they sent my thoughts back to this time. Thank those of you who offered your thoughts!
I do remember more but for my time sake I shortned the story by not going into the detail of the after effects. I downplayed the desperate straights I was in at the time, and for that matter for a good portion of my life. I will say this that Knowing that I was a wisker away from an oblivion that there is no return from changed me. Hell this whole experence changed me. Sad to say this was not an isolated event...not even uncommon. I will never advocate things like this, but I can say that this experance and many more like it saved my life...How could that be you ask? More later...

Elizena said...

Just wow! I've never gone through this with illegal drugs, but every once in a while I have a reaction to one of the thirty three prescription drugs I'm on and it kind of feels like that. Of course once that happens my doctor takes me off of it very quickly. LOL!
I quite often see people I went to school with or who were students at the elementary and high school I worked at, in the same predicament. And I realize I've been blessed to not have ended up that way.
This was extremely powerful and vivid. Thanks for sharing with us. Be blessed!

Helena said...

This is powerful. Be it fact or be it fiction, it still gave me an insight into how hard life can be. Thanks for this write. I'll get my sis to check it out later!

Ben Ditty said...

I was really moved by this one.

G. Graham said...

I'm with Ben on this one.

Isadora said...

This is an incredible story. I've never read anything about drugs and what they can do to you. I was fortunate to have been never exposed to them or taken anything that could damage my body. I am glad you are well and drug free and can write about it so people like me can recognize what it is and how it reacts to you.
I came about your blog through Charles .... a fabulous writer. I am glad that I did. Thank you for writing about this.