Saturday

Brail for you to read

You don’t have to try

To skinny yourself

Up or rather down to size

Making yourself invisible

To their eyes this time

I know you have past times

And I understand how they hurt

Never do you have

To feel that way again

Just for once Be right sized

But what does that mean Anyway

You don’t have to try

Any longer

Just have to fit those genes

You were born with A double helix you

Have to contend with

This time go for broke

Because in some ways You are broken

Heal up some

And let those cracks close of their Own accord

Making their healed ridges

Like some kind of wicked brail

Each line a story in suffering

And triumph laid out there

For all to feel

Get your hands in there

You don’t have to do it all alone

Just humble yourself a bit and ask, just ask

And you might just find that everyone

Has their own storied brail for you to read

Chris Mcqueeney    1/31/15    2:07 P.M.

Thursday

I find

I find
What do I find in this
place
place me in front 
of the line
maybe there I will find
that this love
is meant to be
or not
at least I will be 
In the front of your line
or so I hope
from here I have a good 
view

Chris McQueeney

Wagoner

We will try

If wishes were wings

I would fly from here

If wishes were wheels

I would role from this place

But they are not

Wishes are empty promises

Leaving one to wander

from place to place

Never finding that one true path

Just on the off chance

That wishes would fly

And wheels would role

Down that country lane

On down that country lane

Like on the commercials

Just on the off chance  

We will try for it

One more time

We will try

Chris McQueeney    1/22/15 

left of center

Tracing

Tracing the sketch that

Is my life

We find arterial pathways

Love is the word of the day

Love

Is that lifeline we are searching for

Searching night and day we

Will find it

Opaque is the color of your love

Sending me off with different emotions

And different goals

Do I really see you

Or is it just a reflection of a memory

Holding me hostage one more time

Carousing through all the pit stops

Pulling every corner up

to look at my underside

Chris McQueeney 1/26/15

Wanted to scream

Saw my mother today

She is dying

And I had no idea what to say

What do you say to a dying person

That skin color goes great with your eyes

Sounds stupid now that it is out there

Hi mom I think I stammered out

How are you doing

I’m dying she didn’t say

No how no way

But I looked at her close

And it all screamed at me

I couldn’t shed any tears

Had to keep up appearances

Isn’t that fucked

My mom is dying

I had to keep up appearances

She sat there

Looking so frail and I wanted to scream

Mom you are killing your self

We all already know it

Clear as crystal to me

Clear as mud

Really

It is clear as mud to me

How she can go on pretending

Maybe that gives her comfort

Keeping up the pretense that life goes on

With or without her

Chris McQueeney    1/25/15

My mom and I have had a strained relationship for some time now. There was no way I could maintain my sanity helping her live in her fairytale. My sister and I went to visit her today. My mother looked like a bag of bones covered with skin…she is dying and I didn’t know what to say. She kept saying that she was all right. I wanted to scream at her, no you are not all right you are fucking dying, you are killing yourself. But I didn’t. I had to be an adult. I didn’t cry till just now. I want to fix it and I can’t. I want to scream at her that she needed to eat, that her not eating was killing her. I didn’t do that because it would have done no good. My mom has always lived in her own truths, and those truths are that she is just fine and not dying and that everyone should stop worrying. So I told her that I love her and then left. Today was probably the last day I will ever see my mother and it is killing me a bit inside..............................

To see

If I could

If I could I would
take those tears
offered up so freely
and replace them 
with joy for all
to see
so for a while 
you would see
not the pain

Only the goodness in things
but I can only 
offer up a shoulder
to cry upon
for joy is not mine to give
for you have to live
your own life
on this planet

Chris McQueeney   1/2015

number two

Gentle ministrations

I leave my remains here
To your gentle ministrations
Can you find it within
Your heart of hearts 
Blend me in 
Like any other crumb
Find me a place to rest
To be forever in your sphere 
Of influence 
Or will you leave me
To while away the time
In idle destitution 
Will you at least
Find me a place to lay

Wander    1/22/15

Toothfull smile

To rot went the plan

The years preyed upon me

Leaving only debris in their wake

It appeared as if they wandered

Willy nilly

But there was a design

It takes a jaded heart to see the

Truth of the path taken

What seemed random chance

Was actually the plan

Not my plan, to rot went my plan

I would live the life of ease

If I could

Would you were you in my place

Go forth into the sands of the years with your

Head held high

Head held high

For all the world to see

And judge

Yesss to judge the ravages that time left in its wake

Chris McQueeney   12/12/14

M this is thursday and in four days I am getting my teeth pulled, nine of them. The oral surgeon will be ravaging my mouth for about an hour. Then I am getting false teeth  on my uppers. I am not looking forward to the pain, nor am I liking the fact that I am getting knocked out for the affair. I have a fear of being sedated like that. the fear is that I wont wake from the procedure. But I have all sorts of doomsday fears like that one...every time I get into a car I have the fear that I will get into an accident and will die. Those fears are a byproduct of the brain damage I got when I was injured on the job. I never had fears as strong or as pervasive before getting crippled on the job. But enough of all that, I am getting necessary work done. I will be able to eat real food again. Raw vegetables have been beyond me for some time and other foods have been so painful that I haven't even been willing to try them for some time now. I wish I didn't need this work done, but since I do I will go about it with my head held high and soon to be toothfull smile on my face.

Tracing

Tracing the sketch that

Is my life

We find arterial pathways

Love is the word of the day

Love Is 

that lifeline we are searching for

Searching night and day we

Will find it

love

Chris McQueeney    1/21/15

Tattered

Shine

Beautiful sunshine

Rays dripping like dew

Striking their intensity

Like an early morn

I wake to you looking at

My face bathed in light

You left me broken

And battered

Beaten and torn

My dreams were tattered

You took my life

I am battered and shorn

But the sun will come up

Maybe on some other day

It will shine upon those places

Again

It will shine again

Chris McQueeney    1/19/15

Double barreled road rage

Iron and Steel

Double barreled road rage

I sit shot gunned

In your four four two

Blasting our way

Into your lane

We ride

With Iron and steel At

our side

Best be getting

Out the way

He says

With a grin

He punches the center

Slams the stick

Then puts petal to metal

Double barreled road rage

Best be getting

The fuck out the way

Chris McQueeney 11/3/04

Shades of black

Shades of black

She had thirteen degrees of night in her smile

Her eyes were polished shades of black glass

You move on the darkened wings of her smile

Day turns to night with a wave of her hand

And night is a blessing to you and her tender

Caress her smile with your thoughts fully

Chris McQueeney    1/16/15

Good day to you

Together

Escape

From me

Escape

From it

Escape

With me

From this side of things

To anywhere not here

Not stuck

You are

Not stuck

We are

Not stuck

At all

We can go anywhere we choose

But that is the clincher

We have to choose

Where to go

Who to be

When we

Get to

When we

Go there

When we

Choose what

What we are going to do

And it is we

We are going to do this together

Together

For good or bad

Together

In the end you and I

Together

Chris McQueeney    1/14/15

Had a good day today...good enough to say have a good day, or good day to you.

Tune in

Turn the music

Up

Tune the world out

Feel it

If it aint loud

Its broken

Turn the music

Up

Tune the world out

For a moment

Or an hour

Feel the base

Treble through your

soul

Turn the music

Up

Tune the world out

Chris McQueeney    10/8/14

I got a call today from Social Security. They just wanted to verify a few things about me before they got my settlement processed...I havnt worked in two and a half years so this has been something I have worked towards for about a year and a half. I have in that time been homeless, destitute, and hopeless. I was drunk, now I am sober...a lot has changed over the last year, if you have followed my writing you have got a taste of this, but not the full shebang..... 

Dear John

Elastic stretch

Line by line 
you find that inner place
of mine
and you sure know how
to break me
up and down 
in and out
you take me from ecstatic
to elastic stretching to break
snap crackle and pop
you stop me dead in my
tracks
be friends?
you got to be fucking kidding
me 
I'll have you 
or no one else will
how do you like that

Chris McQueeney    12:12 P.M.   1/11/2015

This was penned in response to a Poem by Christopher at View from the northern wall, or better yet penned from the ideas that his post generated. Give him a look see....................

Home on the range

Taking up space



Home
less
that's where I be
on this chilled afternoon
something has got to break
for me soon
can only ride so far
when you got nowhere to be
hope
less 
is not a place to envy
me here you there
tell me 
what do you see
a person
or just something taking up space


Wander     1/9/15

knot

Human as human

I loved you more than anyone

Why did you have to go

And leave me behind

I miss you

More than I can put to words

Times were less complicated

They were easier

Why did you have to go

At times I cry

And mourn you

Last year I got drunk to your

Memory

And I got drunk

At you

How could you leave so soon

You didn’t get to see

Them or me grow to be

Human just human as

You wanted me to be

Chris McQueeney    1/1/15

Got some news yesterday that I was approved for housing at a place that I had applied for. This is huge news that followed some other huge news...my claim for Social Security was also approved. I have been living off of nothing for so long that I almost dont know how to handle the news, almost! I am so stoked by the news. Also I am going to be able to have my children come stay with me, hell yeah! good news on top of good news, I like........

Keeps the noise down

All dead

He said

It’s all right

They are all dead

And buried

Out back you want

To have a look see

See

Just like I said
They are in the ground

All dead

No need to fear

They are gone

Not here

The only thing left behind

Are ghosts and spirits

Pay them no mind

They don’t make much of a fuss

But still

Say hello 

to them

Before you go

Keeps the noise down

Chris McQueeney    1/8/15

depend on it

Chafing under the collar

Tooth and nail

I fought winning

As if being a loser

Was a badge of honor

To show off to my friends

I try to think back

But black and white

Memories

Pale in comparison

To the full color copies

Available now just about anywhere

Tooth and nail

I fought winning

As if my life depended upon it

And it may

You might say

Depend on it

Chris McQueeney    1/6/15

At a loss for words

Clarion call

We take all sorts around here

Not one for the usual normally

We like um twisted sideways

The more sideways you are

The more credibility you have

So with this clarion call you need

But to answer before time runs out

We are generous to those that qualify

But hard on those less qualified

You’ll see we need and want you around

You will find your place among us

Finding it a pleasant experience or two

But not to discourage you before you

Take that step with no hope of return

For we are a lifetime fraternity and we deal

Deserters with a very heavy hand

Chris McQueeney    11/22/14


My friend passed away on Sunday. I had not seen him in months. I guess after eight years of sobriety he got tired of fighting the demons, so he drank. He drank for one night; that is all it took, one night. After his night of drinking he layed down in his bed...the next morning his son found him and he wasn't breathing...he officially died on Sunday. In AA they talk a lot about working the steps, and being vigilant about our disease. I know that Rod had found a substitute for drinking in his life, but he wasn't able to keep the simple truth that is readily apparent to someone with an outside perspective, Alcohol for an alcoholic is a death sentence. I don't blame Rod for his death, he was an alcoholic and as such he was not in control where alcohol is concerned. The sad thing is that Alcoholism is something that he will be remembered for, a cautionary example to use with newcomer and seasoned veteran alike. Don't drink or you might just die like Rod did! used like a bed time tale to frighten proper behavior out of the listener. I will however remember Rod for the good that he had in him. When I was back to the drinking and fully in my disease Rod would come over to my home and talk to me...and he was not judgmental of my disease, I think because he had compassion for a drunk, hope to die alcoholic. I am at a loss for words when it comes to my own grief. And I was just a friend, his family must be stricken. We lost a good man sunday, and I am at a loss for words......

A friend

Cubic

You left an indelible mark

Upon me

Like a Rubik’s cube

Your Visage is square

Off center

All angles and corners

None but the most

Worthy of worthies

Can lay claim

To even a moment

Of your time

Chris McQueeney    1/4/15

I am a bit, no, I am a lot sad today. The disease of alcoholism has struck again. A friend with eight years sober decided to drink over new years and now is n a coma and they don't expect him to survive...It doesn't always take years and years to kill you; sometimes it only takes a night. Really it is fucked because when I was drinking he came over to my place and didn't treat me like a lepper.........God bless you Rod!

The kid

You left me

In the lurch

What the fuck

Is up with that

You left me

Behind

You

Left me to my own

Devices

Left me to find my

Own way

In this circus

I knelt before your alter

And put up my offering

For you to take or leave

And you left

Left me broke

Battered and bruised

Sitting in my own skin

Feeling used

Dirty

Obscene

Foul

What the fuck

Is up with that

Again I ask

Why did you leave

Was I wrong

To think that you

Had intent

In your actions

Speaking volumes

Towards this situation

You had intent in your actions

And you left me

To sit here

Broken

But healing

Chris McQueeney    1/1/15

With my kids today...my son has had kind of a rough day. That is ok he will get over it......

Took a day off

First round

What the fuck can I do

With it anyways

You already said no to me

Once

In a while I will try again

Tempting you with my self

Will you be gentle

With my lines

Or will you be rough

Ruffling my feathers with your

Intent

Intense gaze along linier paths

Will you find me offensive

Bating you on your last nerve

Or with you can I stay whole

Launching a new path

New Year like

Will you be fair to my colors

Or better yet will you

Just walk with me a while

To get everything in prospective

Before you try me on for size

Maybe I am a fit on the first try

May I be a fit companion

Fit enough to at least make it

Past the first round

Chris McQueeney    1/2/15