Wanted to scream

Saw my mother today

She is dying

And I had no idea what to say

What do you say to a dying person

That skin color goes great with your eyes

Sounds stupid now that it is out there

Hi mom I think I stammered out

How are you doing

I’m dying she didn’t say

No how no way

But I looked at her close

And it all screamed at me

I couldn’t shed any tears

Had to keep up appearances

Isn’t that fucked

My mom is dying

I had to keep up appearances

She sat there

Looking so frail and I wanted to scream

Mom you are killing your self

We all already know it

Clear as crystal to me

Clear as mud

Really

It is clear as mud to me

How she can go on pretending

Maybe that gives her comfort

Keeping up the pretense that life goes on

With or without her

Chris McQueeney    1/25/15

My mom and I have had a strained relationship for some time now. There was no way I could maintain my sanity helping her live in her fairytale. My sister and I went to visit her today. My mother looked like a bag of bones covered with skin…she is dying and I didn’t know what to say. She kept saying that she was all right. I wanted to scream at her, no you are not all right you are fucking dying, you are killing yourself. But I didn’t. I had to be an adult. I didn’t cry till just now. I want to fix it and I can’t. I want to scream at her that she needed to eat, that her not eating was killing her. I didn’t do that because it would have done no good. My mom has always lived in her own truths, and those truths are that she is just fine and not dying and that everyone should stop worrying. So I told her that I love her and then left. Today was probably the last day I will ever see my mother and it is killing me a bit inside..............................