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Sunday, January 25, 2015

Wanted to scream

Saw my mother today
She is dying
And I had no idea what to say
What do you say to a dying person
That skin color goes great with your eyes
Sounds stupid now that it is out there
Hi mom I think I stammered out
How are you doing
I’m dying she didn’t say
No how no way
But I looked at her close
And it all screamed at me
I couldn’t shed any tears
Had to keep up appearances
Isn’t that fucked
My mom is dying
I had to keep up appearances
She sat there
Looking so frail and I wanted to scream
Mom you are killing your self
We all already know it
Clear as crystal to me
Clear as mud
It is clear as mud to me
How she can go on pretending
Maybe that gives her comfort
Keeping up the pretense that life goes on
With or without her

Chris McQueeney    1/25/15

My mom and I have had a strained relationship for some time now. There was no way I could maintain my sanity helping her live in her fairytale. My sister and I went to visit her today. My mother looked like a bag of bones covered with skin…she is dying and I didn’t know what to say. She kept saying that she was all right. I wanted to scream at her, no you are not all right you are fucking dying, you are killing yourself. But I didn’t. I had to be an adult. I didn’t cry till just now. I want to fix it and I can’t. I want to scream at her that she needed to eat, that her not eating was killing her. I didn’t do that because it would have done no good. My mom has always lived in her own truths, and those truths are that she is just fine and not dying and that everyone should stop worrying. So I told her that I love her and then left. Today was probably the last day I will ever see my mother and it is killing me a bit inside..............................

1 comment:

jennifer said...

That was difficult to say the least. Glad we were there together. Love you brother. Hugs.