I sit on my back porch in fear for my life. Fear consumes my every waking moment! You might ask what has me so fearful; you might ask, but you probably would not believe me. My days and nights are consumed with a dread so intense that it is hard to function. I muddle through my days acting as if everything is normal that the world isn’t overwhelmed. Rotted from within by an evil so pervasive, so deceptive that the fabric of our, yes our very lives could be consumed in an instant. Roaming my backyard this very instant is the source of my fear. A beast so mind numbingly evil that most hold them close to their hearts, deceived as to their true nature. I speak to you with anonymity for fear that they will find out that I know their true nature. Contrary to popular belief rabbits are pure evil. I did say you probably wouldn’t believe me.
Let’s start with their appearance. At first glance the average rabbit is a fluffy ball of cuteness, but upon closer inspection the telltale signs of evil are apparent to the educated eye; the signs are many, but for now we will focus on three of these. First, the claws, if you were to shave the fur from around the paw you would see sharp hooked daggers better suited for disemboweling than digging. Next we observe the teeth, curved to better hold onto unwilling flesh, and sharp enough to cut through the toughest skin. Finally we come to the eyes, the portals to the rabbit’s truly evil soul, balefully pinkish red they glow with hatred for everything live.
Having covered their deceptive appearance we move on to the rabbits habits. Only six months after birth the rabbit starts to fornicate. With only one breeding pair the coven can grow to hundreds in nine months. Imagine that, hundreds of blood thirsty rabbits in the time it takes to make one human child! If rabbits had innocent intent they would live above ground, instead they live in darkened holes, holes that are constantly growing to provide space for their legions of progeny.
Have you ever wondered why it is that on Easter so much focus is shined upon the bunny? Some would claim it is because of the children, to keep them occupied and excited for Jesus’s resurrection, this is not so. It is no coincidence the bunny is associated with the death of Christ. Easter is only a thinly veiled form of fear worship and supplication, with offerings of decorated eggs and candy our forefathers hoped to avoid the apocalypse the bunny represents. Christ had much reason not to stay in the mortal realm where the rabbit held so much power.
I hold my fear close, tightly wrapped up and hidden. The world will never know from my actions the terror inside. I lay my offerings of egg and candy with a smile, I laugh and act happy when others speak of the affection they hold for the rabbit. For I know, yes, oh yes only too well do I know what evil lurks inside the beast. You have been warned! Don’t ever try to find me, if you do you will lead them to me. I pray one day enough humans will know the danger, but that day is not today. You have been warned!
Chris McQueeney 4/29/11 10:00 P.M
I wrote fluffy as an essay for a college writing course. The assignment was to write a claim of fact. The claim did not have to be true, and I asked very carefully about that. Not only did I get a very good grade on the paper, I used it as my final…I defended this paper in front of the class. They were for the most part speechless. Who could, or would defend a paper like that, well, I guess I can, and I did. I also got a very good grade on the final, and the class. Fluffy was one of my early posts, and I felt it appropriate to have it on my one hundredth post almost a year later.
At the end of my defense of the paper (slightly revised in its current posting) my instructor, Paul Crumrine (a very good teacher by the way) asked if I had used a book called Watership Down as the basis for my paper. I had to tell him I had no idea what he was talking about, not only had I never read the book, I had no idea what it was about. He dropped it at that point and the class continued on.
On the last day of class we got together to get our final grades, and to discuss the class. About five or ten minutes into the class Mr. Crumrine stopped and called me to the front of the class. He then presented me with his first edition hard bound copy of Watership Down, by Richard Adams. I can’t express how much that meant to me. I have sense read the book, and it is a very good book by the way...give it a shot if you get the chance.
I would have to say that he is one of the reasons I am writing today. Had he been like my first college writing teacher I would not have this blog, or one hundred posts. I wouldn’t have the friends I have made through this blog or the fulfillment I have gotten from writing. Twenty three days from now I will have had my blog for one year, and I will tell you a bit about how that came to be, and whose fault it is that you have to suffer through my words…