Fucking super amazing

Feels good, that’s why it is so destructive. Drugs and alcohol feel good, very good.

I have destroyed everything in my life more than I care to admit. Everything. I am sober so I am rebuilding a life. Sounds like an after school special…the twelve year old alcoholic. I started drinking when I was twelve. I had a hard childhood. I was already broken at twelve, so when I found alcohol I was pre-disposed to abuse it.

My first real drunk happened on a trip with my older brothers. There were five of us and we had five cases of beer. I have never been a blackout drinker so I remember my epic drunks like they just happened. Keystone light, that was what we were drinking, warm keystone light. I remember thinking that something that felt that good couldn’t be bad for you. I was very insecure, skinny with big ears and socially inept.

We pulled over at a bend in the river and set up camp, Geoff Jacob Robert and I. I have no idea why my mom let me go. She had no idea what we were going to be up to. The camp site wasn’t even ready before we started drinking. About five beers into the night it hit me. I felt amazing. Not just amazing, fucking super amazing. I remember looking at my beer and smiling. This was how life was supposed to be. Everything was perfect. I didn’t feel awkward at all. In fact I felt like I belonged. I kept drinking.

At about ten beers into the night we were hungry. I don’t think I have ever felt that viscerally hungry before in my entire twelve years on this rock. So we started cooking. Steak over an open fire. Now I have to confess something. At that point in my life I didn’t like steak. But it was what we had so I drunkenly resigned myself to it. We were listening to AC/DC’s greatest hits. It took four beers to cook the steak. I was keeping track. Finally the steak was finished.

Fifteen beers into the night I experienced steak on beer. It was fucking amazing! I don’t think I have ever tasted anything that good. The night was perfect! We were all sitting around the fire eating our steaks. I was completely engrossed in my beer and my steak. Just as I was finishing that amazingly yummy chunk of meat I was also finishing my fifteenth beer. I picked up my beer and tipped my head back to take a gulp. All that came out of the can was foam. I swallowed convulsively.

As soon as that beer foam hit my stomach I started vomiting. The vomit came out in a solid stream splashing all over my feet and legs. I barfed so hard that the underside of the lawn chair I was sitting in got coated. After what seemed like forever the throwing up stopped. My brother Jacob, who had been sitting next to me, asked me if I was alright. I started to say that I felt fine but just as I started respond the barfing started back up.

Finally the barfing stopped. I didn’t feel sick at all. In fact I felt more alive than I had ever felt in my life. I cracked another beer. One of the others called me ralph and laughed at me. They all laughed. I didn’t mind at all. I cracked another beer.

After finishing my seventeenth beer I realized that I had to pee. The feeling was almost overwhelming. So I walked, more like stumbled, away from the fire. The piss lasted as long as the vomiting. I felt a relief that I had never experienced before in my life. I was done for the night at that point so I stumbled to the tent and laid down on top of the sleeping bag. It was like laying on the ocean with the waves rising and lowering me. I slept.

The first thing I did when I woke up was crack another beer. That night was twenty five years ago but it seems like it was just yesterday. For the first time in my life I felt like I fit in.