Woke up and realized
All the flat
Filled with all
Paper filled trays
And numbers from
Pain filled days
Chris McQueeney 4/14/13 12:00 A.M.
I stumbled into the emergency room and I asked for help…From what I heard later I had a blood alcohol level of point seven four. You might ask how someone could get a blood alcohol content so high, well, you drink a lot that is how. I don’t remember much from that stay in the hospital. They put me in the psychiatric ward because I was mentally unbalanced. This was before I was diagnosed with toxic encephalopathy…I think they diagnosed me that time with psychotic disorder and depressive disorder. I spent nine days wandering around that psych ward not really knowing what was going on. What started that particular incident was losing my children. I got home from jail and my house was quiet and it shouldn't have been. I broke, my reason for living was gone, and I broke. I started drinking because I wanted to kill myself and I spent about a week in that state. See I don’t want to kill myself, there is just something broken in my head that makes me want to end my life. When I started drinking that day I stopped wanting to kill myself. I was sober when I got home…I was sober when I went to jail…I was sober when I decided to drink rather than kill myself. The problem with the situation was that I am an alcoholic on top of everything. That complicates things because of the nature of the disease. Alcohol is a wonderful medication for things like a broken heart, grief, and a broken mind, if you are not an alcoholic. Alcohol was bringing me to my knees while it was saving my life. I was able to get it across to the doctors that I was talking to that there was something wrong underneath the alcohol consumption. I got it across to them that I was broken and the drinking was a temporary bandage for the wound, at one point while I was detoxing I was sitting in a little room with a doctor as little monsters ran around his feet, I was hearing things and seeing things that were not there. At first I thought that was because of the alcohol. I know now that it is because of the encephalopathy. It took another few trips to the psych ward for that diagnosis to come about. Like I said I had started drinking a solid week before this episode and I had bought a fifth of gin that night and drank it on the bus ride out to the hospital. I ended up passing out in the bus stop across the street from the hospital emergency room for a few hours. When I came to I finished the fifth and stumbled across the street. When the staff saw what condition I was in they put me in a bed in the hallway…I sat there for hours while they tried to figure out what to do with me. At one point I asked for a sandwich and they looked at me so funny. I am at a crossroad in my life where the medication they are giving me is barely working, I am having a real hard time with it too. The one thing that I have going for me is that I don’t have to drink to keep from killing myself any more, aside from that at times I still feel like that man who was wandering that hospital psych ward……..
Chris McQueeney 12/15/14 2:09 P.M.